Croissants-1, J-0
Croissants are the flaky, buttery, gold standard of French pastry. And, if you’re me, a complete exercise in self-sabotage because apparently, I can’t read a damn baking time.
I had dreams, folks. Visions of perfectly golden, earth-shatteringly crisp croissants that would make even the snobbiest Parisian weep. Instead, I pulled my little crescent-shaped bundles of deceit out of the oven, only to discover that they were still raw in the middle. The outside? Picture-perfect. The inside? An undercooked abomination. I took one bite and was greeted with the unmistakable chew of failure.
Now, if I were a reasonable person, I would have simply thrown them back in the oven for a few extra minutes. But no. I had already taken pictures. They looked done. My pride refused to let me question my own incompetence. So, like a fool, I served them anyway.
As soon as they cooled, my pretty little twists turned rock hard. It was one failure after another, and this is a recipe that will require some practice, patience, and maybe some prayers to the pagans.
But don’t worry—I have learned from my shame. And because I care about you (and also because I need to redeem myself), I present to you a properly baked croissant recipe. Learn from my mistakes. Bake them fully. Do not trust the exterior. A liar lives inside.
Actually Flaky, Fully-Baked Croissants
Ingredients
4 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup granulated sugar
4 teaspoons active dry yeast*
2 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt
1 1/4 cups unsalted butter, cold
1 cup cold milk (adjust as needed)
1 large egg, beaten with a teaspoon of water (for egg wash)
Instructions
In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, yeast, and salt.
Slice the butter into alarmingly thick 1/8-inch pieces and toss them in the flour mixture like you’re trying to coat them in denial.
Add the cold milk and stir until a stiff dough forms. If it looks like a mess, congrats! You’re on the right track.
Wrap the dough in plastic wrap, pretend you have patience, and chill it for 1 hour.
On a lightly floured surface, roll the dough into a long rectangle. Do not panic. Fold it into thirds (like you’re stuffing a strongly worded letter to Paris into an envelope), turn it 90 degrees, and repeat 3 to 5 more times until you have large streaks of butter but a smooth dough. If at any point the butter starts feeling soft, throw the whole thing in the fridge or freezer until it behaves.
Wrap it up, chill for another hour, then divide it in half. Roll each portion into a long rectangle of glory (about 10×22 inches).
Cut the dough into long, skinny triangles (about 5 inches at the wide end). Notch the wide end with a 1/2-inch cut, then roll them up from wide to pointed end, tucking the point underneath like it’s hiding from your judgment.
Place on a parchment-lined baking sheet, cover loosely with plastic wrap, and let them proof until they’ve doubled in size (about 1-2 hours). If they don’t puff up, they are gaslighting you. Let them proof longer.
Preheat your oven to 375°F (190°C) and gently brush the croissants with egg wash. Be nice to them. They’ve been through a lot.
Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until they are deep golden brown and actually cooked inside. If you pull them out and they look perfect but feel suspiciously light, throw them back in for another 3-5 minutes. You don’t want to be me.
Cool slightly before eating, or throw patience out the window and burn your mouth on molten butter. Your choice.
Enjoy. And remember: trust nothing. Bake longer.
I’ll add a picture on my next croissant battle.